Just Some Thoughts

I have been thinking lately, which can be dangerous sometimes. But anyways... Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with my life. Sometimes I get the feeling that I am wasting my life away. I know what I want to do and where I want to be, but it seems like I am simply not following through with it. I don't know how to break out of this. I feel like I lack motivation. Everyday I do the same thing. I wake up and go to a job that I absolutely loathe and seemingly waste away all day doing the same thing. Every second that I am there I feel like I am wasting away to nothing. After that I wait around until I pick up my sister. I find myself looking forward to this time. I love the few minutes I get to spend with Sarah as we drive home. I know I am gonna miss these moments when they are gone. When I get home, I know I could spend my time doing something productive like reading or something else that could be productive and make me a better person. But instead I sit around and watch the garbage that is on cable TV. There are some funny shows but lets be serious most things are really not worth watching because they are all the same. I mean how many reality shows can there be. I digress... After all this I usually go see Bethany. This is always the highlight of my day. I love the time that we get to spend together but I feel like sometimes I am bringing her down because of my laziness. My lack of motivation is killing me and then I feel like I bring others down because I lack the necessary skills to engage them in stimulating conversation. My conversations are slowly dulling and becoming more and more shallow. I guess I miss being in school. I miss the fact that I was forced to read and to think. TV is rotting my brain. As I am typing this I am watching Family Guy. I mean, it's hilarious, but let's be serious, it's not the most stimulating of TV shows. I think I am slowly losing the ability to think for myself. I miss the times when I lived with my best friends and the long challenging conversations. I long for those times again. Maybe I just need a change of scenery or just need to be challenged. I don't know. I don't even know if all this makes sense, hopefully it does. Oh well...

Whatever

Something that people may notice about me from following this blog is that I tend to very opinionated and get fairly aggravated (ok very aggravated) at people. This is something that I noticed I have a problem with, but I can't help it. I try to accept people for who or what they are but it does not always work out that way. There are just things that I cannot stand and it makes me mad, especially when it is a character issue. I believe that there are certain ways people should act when dealing with people, especially loved ones and when people fail in these areas I get pissed.

Now with all that said, I am going to vent for a little bit. One thing that I have noticed that people do, and have experienced myself, is the person who claims to be your friend and to care about you, but when it really matters and you really need them, they are nowhere to be found. I have never understood how someone can be so two-faced. To me, a friend is someone that is there through thick and thin. I see this all the time and I just don't understand. How is it that a friend can completely turn their back on you when you are in need?

Where I see it the most is when someone is dealing with a loss. The loss of someone is a devastating time. This is something that I have experienced first-hand. During this time there are so many emotions and thoughts running through your head, especially if the person you lost was close to you. The difficulty of the time is something that is hard to understand unless you have experienced it for yourself. When you go through something like this, sometimes the thing you need the most is someone to talk to. You don't necessarily need or want advice (at least I didn’t). All I wanted was someone to listen to me so I could get things off my chest.

Unfortunately, for some so-called “friends” this is something that they cannot handle. Everyone has heard or used the most cliché statement in the world, “If there is anything you need, just let me know.” Everyone has heard it and/or said it, I know I have. But, how many people actually mean it. Sure they will be there in the beginning stages. However, as time passes they seem to get annoyed by the fact that you still have things that you want to get off of your chest. I guess they expect things to get better after the first few days. However that is not how things work. So whenever you need to talk, they either blow you off or, if you're lucky, they pretend to listen to you, however all they really care about is trying to get you to shut up. This is what pisses me off. If you are going to be my friend you need to be willing to listen.

Now I 'm not talking about a casual friend or acquaintance. I am talking about those that consider themselves to be true friends on which you do life with and create a deep, meaningful relationship with. I understand it is not the ideal time in a friendship but it is a very vital one. Some of my best memories with my best friends are the deep, meaningful conversations during hard times in which one person simply listened. There is something beautiful in those moments. I think this is something that is missing in the world today. So many people are too shallow or self-centered to genuinely care about other people, including their friends. I don't know, maybe it is just me being too naive to think that people are capable of actually caring enough to set aside their comfort in order to care and love on those who need it. Maybe I am the odd one out. But that is how I feel and I sincerely believe that this is one of the main reasons that we do not see very many intimate relationships anymore. It's because we have lost the ability to actually listen. We need more genuine friends.

I don't know, maybe I'm stupid.

Getting Started

So this is blogging. I have never done this before but have always wanted to because sometimes I have things to say. I just have things that I need to get off of my chest. Sometimes my thoughts don't make sense to me (or anyone for that matter) and sometimes they are not pretty. But let's face it I am human and sometimes in life things are not pretty.

So with that said I am starting this blog so I can have a way to get things off of my chest. I hope you enjoy have to say. If not then, oh well, sorry.